The Pope Passed Away – Who is the Next Pope?

In the wake of Pope Francis’ recent passing, the Vatican finds itself in a familiar quandary: who exactly should step into those divine slippers next? Who is the next Pope? While traditionally the papal succession process involves a group of very serious cardinals in a locked room, puffing smoke signals like a college dorm party, perhaps it’s time to modernize the selection process.

@dailymail
With the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics now mourning the death of Pope Francis, here is what will happen in the coming days. #breaking #news #pope #whathappensnext
♬ Everything In Its Right Place (Instrumental) – SAD & Dj tahh

Indeed? Craigslist? Marketplace?

Why not browse Indeed.com? The qualifications are straightforward—must enjoy long robes, have a knack for Latin, and handle big hats with grace. Facebook Marketplace could offer gently-used pontiffs, or maybe Craigslist, though buyers beware: you never know what you’re really getting from Craigslist.

Candidates

Speaking of candidates, the Vatican could shake things up with some unexpected nominations from our favorite seasoned politicians. Joe Biden certainly has the age and experience. He’d bring folksy charm to St. Peter’s Basilica, though mass might run over by a few hours due to storytelling detours. Or perhaps Donald Trump could pivot to Vatican City; he’s got the gold decor down pat, though “humility” might be tricky. Bill Clinton is charismatic enough, but saxophone solos during sermons might prove distracting.

For youthful vigor (comparatively speaking), there’s always JD Vance. He authored “Hillbilly Elegy,” which could lend a refreshing Appalachian twist to theological discourse—who doesn’t want bluegrass hymns?

@mythsmodernmayhem
The last pope is dead… and the prophecy says what comes next is the end. Was Pope Francis really “Peter the Roman”? Is the world entering its final chapter? 👇 What do you think happens now? #lastpope #popefrancis #vatican #prophecy #endtimes
♬ Creepy horror ambient(1022762) – howlingindicator

Why Exclude the Ladies?

And why not finally consider a female Pope? Kamala Harris or Hillary Clinton are available and probably ready to shatter another glass ceiling. Imagine “Madam Pope” trending on Twitter—finally, a Vatican-approved pantsuit could make its debut.

Of course, when I was growing up, after Pope John Paul’s passing, some prankster announced over the school PA that “applications for Pope were available in the career office.” Understandably, this didn’t go over well. Still, perhaps simplicity should reign—after all, isn’t Jesus himself the gate, the way to the Father? Why complicate things with intricate smoke signals when a simple prayer and perhaps a quick online application could suffice?

Let’s just hope whoever they choose knows their “Amen” from their elbow. Until then, happy browsing, Vatican HR!